Re-edited version of Chapter One

Re-edited version of my first chapter. I have been getting some inspiration and just taken out a course, so i am hoping this has helped with my own editing and made it more professional to read. Have a read and chapter two will be following shortly. Thanks x

Elsie Sheldon tiptoed as she kissed Sean goodnight. She wasn’t particularly short, 5’ 5 but Sean was about 6’1, and she just loved having to tiptoe up to kiss him. “You have to go” Sean said, as he tried to un-wrap his arms from her petite waist. “Just one more kiss” Elsie replied, staring at him with her piercing green eyes. Even though she would be with him again tomorrow night, she hated going home alone, without Sean. If only things could be different.

Sean gave her one last kiss goodnight. When his soft lips touched hers, it sent tingles from her head to her toes. Elsie loved the way Sean made her feel. Her stomach would flutter and she felt like she drifted to a faraway place when he kissed her. Somewhere it was ok for them to be together. They said good night and Sean watched Elsie as she walked down her road and turned into her drive. She turned and waved goodbye then disappeared into her house. He had to wait here in case anyone from the Sheldon family saw him. That was all that Sean and Elsie needed.

Sean turned and walked back toward the bus stop. For a late September night, London was humid. Uncomfortable. Just as he had felt when he remembered walking into the Sheldon house for the first and last time, four months ago...

Sean had told Elsie that it wasn’t a good idea weeks before that evening. He knew Elsie’s father would not have thought highly of him. No doubt he would have already done some probing about on him. Nevertheless, she had insisted that he went. Marcus Sheldon had shook Sean’s hand when he walked in the house and showed him to the dining room. He had been seated next to Jamie, Elsie’s younger brother. Although Jamie was two years younger than Elsie was, he had looked much older than her and resembled their father. Sean was sitting opposite Elsie and felt his comfort barrier had been taken away by the seating arrangements.

Patricia had sat to the left of him. He knew from the moment he saw Patricia, that Elsie got her looks from her mother. She had the same long dark, wavy hair and the same piercing green eyes. Patricia had seemed nice enough; it seemed that Elsie also got her good hearted nature from her mother too. Her voice was soft and soothing, like a mother should be. Sean had thought about his own mother’s voice that night, hers was harsh and angry. Then he had stopped himself drifting back to his own reality and came back to Elsie’s reality, what had seemed like a paradise to him.

Jamie was a typical eighteen year old; he had been speaking out of place and pushing his father’s patience since Sean had arrived. He had felt sure he wouldn’t of got away with it, if he had not of been sitting there. Everything had been going well and when Sean looked over at Elsie, she had smiled and almost looked relaxed. Sean had known it would only be a matter of time before that would change. Marcus had started asking questions about the side of town Sean was raised in. They had been discussing the amount of crime that seemed to go on in East London for almost half hour. Suddenly it was as if someone had pulled the switch and the light bulb came on in Marcus’ head. “Sean, just out of interest may I ask what your last name is?” Marcus had stared deep into Sean’s eyes. The look of horror had swept over Elsie’s face and they had both known that was going to be it. The end of their first family night together, the last time they would be allowed to see each other.

“Yes sir, its Bayonne” Sean had replied, calmly. Marcus had just glared at Sean. “Bayonne. As in Doug Bayonne?” He had asked. “Yes sir” just managed to leave Sean’s mouth. “And are you in any relation TO Doug Bayonne?” Marcus had probed.

He could have lied but it would have been discovered eventually and he had nothing to be ashamed off, Sean was nothing like him. Elsie had sat there biting her lip and Patricia and Jamie had stopped eating. The ticking off the clock on the wall had seemed to have got louder, until Sean had realised he was listening to the thudding of his own heart against his chest. That was the question he had been waiting for, it was all to be over in less than 2 hours. Sean breathed in and answered before Marcus could repeat his question. “Yes Mr Sheldon, he is my father.” Already knowing what lay ahead over the next few minutes Sean finished his mouthful and put his cutlery down. Silence had fallen across the table, all apart from the shuffling of Marcus’ chair on the wooden floor, as he stood up, pushed his chair back, and looked at Elsie.

“Dinner is over, Sean has finished” he had turned to look at me. “You are not welcome here and you will not be seeing my daughter again. I will not have my family being associated with the likes of your family. Now leave, please.” He had been left with no choice.

Marcus’ words repeated over and over in his head. The look on Elsie’s face, it was still so visible, even now he could still hear her sobs. Her eyes had whelmed up and she had gone to stand up from her chair, but her father’s sharp look was enough to make her sit back down. As Sean had walked out the house, he had heard Elsie’s sobs and pleads to her dad. He has not returned to that house since. Sean had vowed that would not be the last time he saw Elsie again though.

Four months later and they continue to see each other, just more carefully. Sean couldn’t give her up. He had never felt this way about someone before and never had someone accepted him for who he is, and not who his father was.

Sean stopped thinking back to that night and boarded the bus back to his side of town. He would get home a little after midnight; it was just after 11 now. As he stared out into the starry night, he wished he could be with Elsie now. Running his fingers through her soft hair. She would have her arms wrapped around him, as they would cuddle under the duvet talking about their future together. He cared deeply for Elsie and he knew she loved him. Deep down inside he knew he loved her too, more than he ever thought was possible, but he couldn’t tell her. Elsie would just have to wait to hear those three words.

Read More......

Idea's on a location for my first attempt of a novel?

I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON WRITING A NOVEL FOR A PERIOD OF TIME NOW AND HAVE JUST RE-EDITED IT BUT AM YET TO COME UP WITH A SUITABLE LOCATION. PLEASE READ AND LEAVE COMMENTS AT THE BOTTOM FOR SUGGESTED LOCATIONS OR GENERAL COMMENTS ON MY FIRST PIECE. ANY FEEDBACK IS GREAT. MANY THANKS JEN X

CHAPTER ONE

Elsie Sheldon tiptoed as she kissed Sean goodnight. She wasn’t’t particularly short, 5’ 5 but Sean was about 6’1, and she just loved having to tiptoe to kiss him. “You have to go” Sean said, as he tried to un-wrap his arms from her petite waist. “Just one more kiss” Elsie replied, staring at him with her piercing green eyes. Even though she would be with him again tomorrow night, she hated going home alone, without Sean. If only things could be different.
Sean gave her one last kiss goodnight. When his soft lips touched hers, it sent tingles from her head to her toes. Elsie loved the way Sean made her feel. Her stomach would flutter and she felt like she drifted to a faraway place when he kissed her. Somewhere it was ok for them to be together. They said good night and Sean watched Elsie as she walked down her road and turned into her drive. She turned and waved goodbye then disappeared into her house. He had to wait here in case anyone from the Sheldon family saw him. That was all that Sean and Elsie needed.
Sean turned and walked back toward the bus stop. For a late September night, (location) was hot, humid. Uncomfortable. Just as he had felt when he remembered walking into the Sheldon house for the first and last time, four months ago.


Sean had told Elsie that it wasn’t a good idea weeks before that evening. He knew Elsie’s father would not have thought highly off him, he would have done some probing about on him. Nevertheless, she had insisted that he went. Marcus Sheldon had shook Sean’s hand when he walked in the house and showed him to the dining room. He had been seated next to Jamie, Elsie’s younger brother. Although Jamie was two years younger than Elsie was, he had looked much older than her and resembled their father. Sean was sitting opposite Elsie and felt his comfort barrier had been taken away by the seating arrangements.
Patricia had sat to the left of him. He knew from the moment he saw Patricia, that Elsie got her looks from her mother. She had the same long dark, wavy hair and the same piercing green eyes. You could tell from their golden brown skin, that they both took time out to lounge round their pool, topping up their tans. Patricia had seemed nice enough; it seemed that Elsie also got her good hearted nature from her mother too. Her voice was soft and soothing, like a mother should be. Sean had thought about his own mother’s voice that night, hers was harsh and angry. Then he had stopped himself drifting back to his own reality and came back to Elsie’s reality, what had seemed like a paradise to him.

Jamie was a typical eighteen year old; he had been speaking out of place and pushing his father’s patience since I had arrived. I was sure he wouldn’t’t of got away with it, if I had not of been sitting there. Everything was going well and when I looked over at Elsie, she had smiled and I had seen her shoulders relax. But I had known it would only be a matter of time before that would change. Marcus had started asking questions about the side of town I had been bought up in. We had been discussing the danger and crime from (location)for almost half hour, and then it was like I had seen someone pull the switch and the light bulb came on in Marcus’ head. “Sean, may I ask what your last name is?” Marcus had stared deep into Sean’s eyes. The look of horror had swept over Elsie’s face and we had both known that was going to be it. The end of our first family night together, the last time we would be allowed to see each other.
“Yes sir, its Bayonne” I had replied, calmly. Marcus had just glared at Sean. “Bayonne. As in Doug Bayonne?” He had asked. “Yes sir” I had answered. “And are you in any relation TO Doug Bayonne?” Marcus had probed.

I could have lied but it would have been discovered eventually and I had nothing to be ashamed off, I was nothing like him. I remember Elsie biting her lip and Patricia and Jamie had stopped eating. The ticking of the clock on the wall had seemed to have got louder, until I had realised it was my heart thudding against my chest. That was the question I had been waiting for, it was all to be over in less than 2 hours. I breathed in and answered before Marcus could repeat his question. “Yes Mr Sheldon, he is my father” I had replied, knowing what lay ahead over the next few minutes. I had finished my mouthful and put the cutlery down. Silence had fallen across the table, all apart from the shuffling of Marcus’ chair on the wooden floor, as he stood up, pushed his chair back, and looked at Elsie.
“Dinner is over, Sean has finished” he had turned to look at me. “You are not welcome here and you will not be seeing my daughter again. Do you understand? I will not have my family being associated with the likes of your family. Now leave, please.”

Marcus’ words repeated over and over in my head. The look on Elsie’s face, I could still see it now, I could still hear her sobs. Her eyes had whelmed up and she had gone to stand up from her chair, when her father’s sharp look was enough to make her sit back down. As I had walked out the house, I could hear Elsie’s sobs and pleads to her dad. I have not returned to that house since. I had vowed that would not be the last time I saw Elsie again though.

Four months later and I continue to see Elsie, just more carefully. I couldn’t give her up. I have never felt this way about someone before and never had someone accepted me for who I am, and not who my father was.

I stopped thinking back to that night and boarded the bus back to my side of town. I would be home a little after midnight; it was just after 11 now. As I stared out into the starry night, I wished I could be with Elsie now. Running my fingers through her soft hair. She would have her arms wrapped around me, as we snuggled under our duvet talking about our future together. I cared deeply for Elsie. I knew she loved me and deep down inside I knew I loved her too, more than I ever thought was possible, but I couldn’t tell her. She would just have to wait for those three words. Read More......